The Perfect Man

Dedicated to B.J.S.

It was one of those days! God was feeling a bit down-in-the-mouth. He really shouldn't let it get to Him like this, but honestly, the Universe could be such a depressing place at times; particularly that troublesome planet Earth! After all He had done for them, His children still persisted in their constant petty bickering. A quick 'pick-me-up' was obviously needed. God decided to cheer Himself up by having another go at designing the Perfect Man. He was still cross with Adam for mucking it up the first time.

Feeling better already, God got down to work on His blueprint. The initial outline was fairly easy - medium height, not small and not over-tall. The body should be perfectly and exquisitely proportioned; arms, legs and torso combining into one harmonious whole that would delight the eye. The man should be slim, with a nice breadth to his shoulders and chest and a suppleness in his hips, allowing them to sway slightly as he walked. The long, straight legs and the feet practically designed themselves, but the hands needed more attention. God tilted His head slightly - a habit when He was trying to concentrate. Some few drafts later, He felt He had cracked it - the hands were large, graceful and expressive, with long, slender, tapering fingers. Hands suitable for a person who might need to wave them about a lot as he talked. So far so good!

God remembered to endow the man with a neat, enticing, seductively-rounded behind. He had always been puzzled by humankind's preoccupation with this area of their anatomy. His initial design had been of a purely functional nature, in order to provide them with something comfortable to sit on. God shrugged; He was willing to allow His children their peculiarities.

He had to get the head right. God absentmindedly doodled lots of curly hair on the man's chest as He tried to decide on the shape of the face. He put the decision on hold, and indulged Himself with colours and textures. He toyed with an impulse to give the man golden skin, but decided regretfully that Earth wasn't quite ready for that yet! The man ought to have silky, shining hair - silvery-grey would be a becoming shade. The eyes should be an attractive, sparkling blue, with the ability to change colour dramatically under certain circumstances. The man's mouth just seemed to form itself - God was a bit taken aback - delicately sculptured, mobile and beautifully-shaped, with soft, sweet, moist lips. God felt a twinge of annoyance; it was time He re-asserted Himself. He elected to work on the profile, on the basis that everything else would automatically fall into place. Many sketches later, God knew He had it - an exquisite profile. In fact it was of such devastating beauty that God felt quite smug about it. He had given the man a high, noble forehead and the most gorgeous nose imaginable. The nose was very long and a bit pointy at the end, with an endearing little bump at the bridge. The ears were really rather nice. They fitted neatly to the man's head, without the more usual lobes. Admittedly, lobes were useful for hanging things on, but a man so handsome would have no need of artificial adornments. God was reluctant to tamper too much with His basic ear design, but He allowed Himself the indulgence of putting a little 'heart-shape' in the folds. The final touch - an entrancing smile with the warmth and glow of a thousand suns.

God saved the file and decided a tea-break was long overdue. Anyway, He had to check that no annoying wars had broken out, and more importantly, that no huge asteroids were heading for places they shouldn't!

Unusually, all was calm in the Universe. God reached for His blueprint and pondered. He tried to anticipate the Perfect Man's wishes; his hopes and desires. Would he want to be a doctor? A famous scientist? No, that didn't fit. God rather envisaged His man as a great, creative force in some branch of the Arts; perhaps a musician, a painter or an actor. Whatever the man's choice, God was determined he should not lack the necessary talents. The man's voice seemed important somehow. God realised He had to get it right first time. He checked through His reference book "Accents in Alphabetical Order" and began to despair. In the Beginning was the letter 'A'. Why not? God selected standard American, with the ability to slide into a soft, Southern drawl. He fiddled about with the bass and treble controls until He had the tone and timbre just right. On playback, the voice sounded mellifluous and versatile. God suspected that the voice was destined to be the man's instrument so He arranged that the man should be able to alter it at will, if he so desired - do any accent; temporarily become another person. Surely that covered everything? God hoped so - He was starting to feel a slight headache coming on.

Just one more task to complete and the man would be ready. God had to bestow awareness, soul, spirit and passion. "Typical", thought God bitterly. "I do all the easy bits first and leave all the difficult stuff 'til last. I should have learned by now, after the Creation fiasco." Oddly enough, God's fears were unfounded - it was surprisingly simple to activate the Perfect Man. Everything just fell into place quite naturally. The man would have a sweet personality and a gentle, caring nature. He would possess the kindest of hearts. But he would also be strong and resourceful, determined to succeed in his life and career. He would be unswervingly loyal to his friends and loved ones. He would not suffer fools gladly, but would be the first to rush to the aid of someone in need. He would be charming and witty, and in possession of a truly exceptional sense of humour. He would use the latter attribute to enchant and enthrall many thousands of people. God was nervous about this last bit as He could not envisage the context, but He crossed His fingers and hoped He hadn't gone O.T.T.!!

God was uneasy. Something was niggling away at Him, something He had missed. Now He really did have a headache and it was way past bedtime. Somewhere below Him, He could hear Gabriel rehearsing the choir. The sound was soothing and uplifting. Of course! Grabbing a marker pen, God leafed quickly back to "Voice Page" and inserted the folllowing directive:-
"The Man will SING like an angel. He will have the most melodious singing voice in the Universe, and he will have the ability to take any song he chooses and transform it into a rhapsody of the purest magic. He will sing from his heart and the sound will become known as THE ULTIMATE VOICE!!

God sat back at last and surveyed his work. The blueprint was faultless. And yet something was wrong - this did not make any sense at all. God frowned and racked his brains. Then suddenly He knew. His creation's greatest desire, above all else, would be TO BE HUMAN. Smiling to Himself, God swiftly pencilled in a few minor flaws - not too many - He had no intension of spoiling His handiwork! Bingo! The Universe could take care of itself; God was officially off-duty for the next several hours. In any case, the Arch-angels were perfectly competent in a crisis situation.

* * * * * *

On the second day of February, a little baby boy was born, deep in the heart of Texas. After many Earth years (but just a blink to God) he grew to be a man, and God's drawings sprang into life; it was almost spooky! God protected and watched over him, and waited to see if His blueprint would work - you can never really be sure about these things!!

The man blossomed and matured, and fulfilled his potential. He became a great actor and a compassionate human being. He sang romantic songs to enchant his fans. He utilised every precious gift God had given him and wasted nothing. God was well pleased and blessed His special child. He watched and listened intently, noticing the effect the man was having on his fellow creatures. People were drawn to the man as if magnetised, and once exposed to his radiance they remained enslaved. There was very little bickering going on - they seemed to have no time for matters unconnected with their hero.

Although the man was popular with everyone, God noted with interest that he held a special fascination for the females of his specis. Wherever he went, there were hordes of them. Curiously, even the man's absence appeared to make little difference. Human females were resourceful; they simply took to decorating the walls of their shelters with his image, and they used electronic devices to reproduce his face, form and voice. Fascinating! They had come a long way since Eve. What a dead loss she'd been! Still, Adam only had himself to blame. Serve him right! God reckoned His new, improved model would not let Him down.

The man possessed very human emotions and he worried about things. He was afraid that he would fail to live up to his fans' expectations. His followers told him that he didn't have to - he just had to be himself, and they would love and cherish him forever. Remarkable! God rubbed his hands together with satisfaction. That was what He called real progress.

God felt it was time to attend to more pressing matters. The man was managing very nicely. He took one last, quick peek and said fondly -

"Well Done, Brent"

photo Stephanie